One thing that has become apparent to me over the years, is that, for who I am, with my background, proclivities, and a few other factors, I am a prime candidate for using drugs, habitually. And in fact, I almost got addicted once, after a surgery I had. But luckily, I was able to not do that. And I should state here that I’m talking about mind altering or pain killing drugs, because I am most certainly addicted to cigarettes.
And I think I should separate two things here: the desire to experiment with drugs, as young folks tend to, and addiction. Because they are not the same thing. But obviously you have to try them to become addicted. But in my own small experience of addiction with drugs, it seems to depend more if you NEED something to fill that part of your life, and if a drug fits the bill.
But focusing on experimenting and use: I tried alcohol a few times as a kid, and marijuana a few times throughout my life. But as interesting as the experience is, it’s always lacking in a dimension that REALLY appeals to me: reality. And for as painful as reality can be, and has been for me at times, that pain is also accompanied with an understanding that THIS is what I’m actually experiencing, and what I have to work with. And that realization, even if painful, is comforting.
I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to understand the world. Most of the hurt I have experienced, has come with misunderstanding in hand. And so with each step I get to in understanding where I stand in the world, and the world around me, though it may be painful, it is also real. And with that, there is a sustainability to it that requires little effort. Reality is reality, no matter how much energy you have or in what mood you wake up. Wheras, lies require maintenance and effort.
And with this, I have used this sobriety to explore these situations in my life, how I’m feeling, how I’m reacting, to gain even better understanding of myself. It snowballs and accumulates. Much the same way addiction does. Perhaps repeated efforts generally multiply their effects?
Writing this, I realize that some people take psychedelics to do the same thing. And perhaps for some, that is what is needed to cut through the mental or emotional clutter, much the way electroshock therapy can be used to break a brains synapse from habitual modes of thinking like depression. For me though, these methods have never seemed sustainable. If I need to break through mental clutter, I try to examine it, and learn to address it, and calm it. And generally, these ‘clutter’ areas are debris from other unattended parts of my life that need to be addressed.
The downside of no drugs: There is no escape from current situations. However, the upside, is a mental understanding and relfective ability to actually find peace with things. Nothing becomes unbearable, or inescapable. And it is perhaps because those aren’t the way you think about things in the first place. Rather, you realize that things are pieces of time, and will pass, much like extreme moments of sickness or pain. And supplementing these processes with external agents, tends to cause more havoc in the long run. Again, this idea of sustainable action.
This is how it all seems to me. Perhaps I’m just lucky and full of shit. But I have seen myself be on both roads at times, and for some reason, the comfort of clarity, of reality, is more appealing at a level deeper than any current need could be.